Hey, Jay?
Jay!
Could you hand me the shower gel that's on the counter there? Thank you.
Jay?
Baby?
Jay!
I was thinking we could
- go to the Mexico Grill for dinner. - Frick, my poster!
- "Dear Rachel..." - "Dear Cindy..."
- "Dear Velma..." - "Lisa..."
- "Christy..." - "Dear Monica..."
- "Dear Erin..." - "Dear Tammy..."
"I'm sorry to do it this way..."
- "... but I figured it'd be easier on..." - "... both of us?"
- "Things aren't working out..." - "... and I think we both know that."
"I've tried to come up with a way to make this work..."
- "... but I think history..." - "... or circumstance..."
"... or whatever has caught up with us..."
"Most couples facing what we've had to face never even make it this far."
"My only hope is that in the future,
- "the world might..." - "... the world might change?"
- "... so that a relationship like ours..." - "... like ours
"might stand a fighting chance."
Jay! Jay?
Jay.
"You deserved better than this, I know..."
- "But more so..." - "... you deserve better..."
"... than me."
"Please accept my apology."
- "Always, Jay." - "Jay."
- "Jay."
Oh! My god!
"Always, Jay."
Jay, you coward! What the fuck is this about, huh?
Dude, you've gotta stop doing this.
This one's so not my fault. Okay, check this out.
Do I look anything like Gary Coleman?
Uh...
She said that?
Take the good, you take the bad You take them both and then you have
The wrong show, asshole.
Yeah.
Thanks for picking me up.
No problem.
Jay.
Dude, are you gonna get that?
Nope. She's probably still in stage one.
What, the "rip off your head and piss down your neck" stage?
- Stage one. - Oh, yes! Dude!
You got work lined up yet?
No. No, I figured, you know, as long as the temp agencies
are mainly looking for qualified, you know, and highly-motivated type individuals,
I might as well just enjoy my hiatus from the job market.
Dude, it's been over a year. How long does unemployment last?
PlayStation?
Can't. As fate would have it, I've got to work tomorrow.
Oh, okay. Hey, Jay?
- Yeah. - PlayStation?
Okay.
All right.
- You can't... - Yes, I can. And you can't...
- You gonna get that? - Nope.
Jay!
- There. - Thank you.
Message one, received at 10:32 p. m., yesterday.
Did you just break up with me?
Message nine, received at 11:44 p. m., yesterday.
I'm not angry anymore. I'm confused, but not angry.
You're not worth my time, Jay.
But I'm going to take the high road, 'cause that's...
- Dude! Dude! - What?
Later!
Dick!
Message 21, received at 1:18 a. m.
Fuck you, asshole!
Man, that fish place sucked.
- Let's not go there this time. - I just wanted to let you know
- that I'm over you. - I know you like the fish taco, but...
- Hey, what up, player? - What's up?
I never want to see or hear from you again.
You're a bad man, Jay.
So, I'm not doing anyone any favors
by sticking in a relationship that I know isn't going to work.
You know, it takes a special kind of woman to make a black-white relationship work.
Don't get me wrong, she was great for lots, you know, rides, whatever.
She's new.
Who, the blonde?
Dude, that's who I told you about. Mindy the Mauler?
- So not worth it. - No, the black girl. She's kind of cute.
You know black chicks don't dig me.
I can't compete with those Alpha male, talented-tenth,
football-playing lawyer types they're all into.
- Guys like your buddy, Drake. - Like Drake.
I think that well-developed pectoral muscles
eventually lead to back pain later in life. I read that.
That reminds me, tomorrow, can you give me a ride?
- I gotta meet Drake and his family for lunch. - Free food?
- Well, yeah, but you can't stay. - Enjoy the bus ride.
Dude!
Ooh!
That's the girl from the record store. Okay.
- I'll tell you what? Give me your lighter. - You don't smoke.
I know that. You know that.
Sorry, sorry. Go forth, be fruitful and multiply.
Thank you. Thanks a lot, guys. Stick around for the Bleeding Thumbs.
They're up next.
- You know her, too? - We used to hike Runyon Canyon together.
Code red. Code red, dude! Check the door.
- Hey! There's the best man, now! - What's up, man?
How are you?
Sorry I'm late, everybody. You didn't have to wait for me.
- That's what I said. - Hi, J.C.
- So, Jay, how's your family? - Good.
Still the only black folk in Kazakhstan, but Pops goes where the oil is.
Well, Jay, tell them we said, "Hello,"
- will you? - I will.
What's the closest thing to barbecue in here?
Well, actually, I'm going to order for the table.
That way we can all share.
Well, that sounds nice, doesn't it? It's like we're on vacation or something.
Well, Mrs. Moore, you may want to try this mango lassi.
It's a mango-flavored yogurt drink, and it's really exotic.
- First of all, honey, just call me Jerri. - Okay.
And I, for one, am up for trying something different.
Bet that's gonna give her gas.
Mama!
- Look here, Drake. - Yes, sir.
I was talking to some of my brothers, back in Texas.
Seems that folks are starting to get a little curious
about their role in the wedding.
Well, Dad, I mean, we don't wanna burden people too much.
- Right. Right. - I mean just having them there is enough.
I know, son, but they're family. They wanna be a part of it.
Now, I know you got your boy, Jay, here, as your best man,
but I don't think it would hurt to have a couple of your cousins
as groomsmen or something.
Well, baby, we've already got four bridesmaids and four groomsmen.
Hell, add a couple more. Y'all got the money.
It's not that simple.
Come on, J.C., the Moores would like to do what they can.
You know what? The engagement fish fry Uncle Lewis put together
was more than enough.
I thought the fish fry was for Curtis getting out of jail.
No, no. I think it was for both, for the engagement and for Curtis.
- Yeah, I think it was for both. - I see. So our family's too country for you?
- No, no, no. - Dad, no one's saying that.
- Okay, listen, I gotta go. - Did she say "ghetto"?
No, no, no. I said "got to go"! As in, "have to!"
- As in, the ladies room. - Right.
Baby, I didn't say "ghetto."
Dad!
This is J.C.'s one time to get married. She just wants it to be perfect.
Maybe it'd be perfect if we didn't show up at all.
Get through law school and forget where you come from, boy.
Look, how about one of the younger kids can be the ring bearer.
Fine. Huh?
Well, if you'll excuse me. I'm gonna go to the ladies' room.
So, Jay, are you bringing anyone special to the wedding?
No.
Jay just pulled a disappearing act on some girl he was dating, Beth.
Beth, huh? Is she a sister?
She's mixed.
Mixed with what, Jay?
English and German.
What?
You think that's easy?
Think about the food she had to grow up with.
See you couldn't get away with that with a sister, Jay.
You've been playing around with too many of them white girls.
That's why you can't settle down.
Boy, what's wrong with you, are you color-struck?
No! The first woman I ever kissed was a sister.
Boy, your mama don't count.
I remember when Jerri's father and I were courting.
People didn't take too kindly to such a fair-skinded woman, such as myself,
dating a dark man.
People thought we was mixing. Well!
They almost lynched your father,
all on account of thinking, you know, I was passing for white.
Woman, the only thing you can pass for is crazy!
- Sam! - Boy, I will bust you back to crazy!
You letting him talk to me like that!
You hear him talking to me like this?
- Mama. Jay, do something! - Grandma, Grandma.
Hold on, Grandma!
I will knock you out!
You should have seen her, Drake. She came there to kill me, man.
Women are a trip.
You dated white girls back in the day, right?
Yeah, I mean, you know, a little in college. On the sly, though.
My mother would've kicked my teeth in, if she knew I was messing with a white girl.
But, you, your parents were always so cool with everything you did.
Matter of fact, remember that time
they let us set those bottle rockets off in your backyard?
Or we asked them for beer and they actually gave us a sip of their own?
Drake, those rockets nearly burned down the neighbors' roof.
Yeah, man, but they let us try stuff on our own,
so we could have the experience for ourselves.
So we could be well-rounded.
Remember what your pop said in there? I'm not well-rounded.
I date too many white girls.
Lately, it's been nothing but hysteria, headaches and bad breakups.
God! I'm 30 years old.
I should be looking to settle down.
The common denominator in all my shit relationships is that
- all the girls were white. - And you?
What?
I mean, you're also a common variable in the whole equation.
Whatever, that's beyond the point.
Okay.
I'm going to have to give up white girls, cold turkey.
Really? Okay, well,
if you're lucky, they might have a patch that'll help you through it.
- So, you sure you don't need a ride? - No. My ride's on its way.
Hey, I was wondering if you could put these on hold for me until tomorrow.
- Sure - It's Matt. Two "T's."
- Thanks. - Thin Lizzy, huh?
Yeah!
- They're fucking great. - Yeah!
Kind of cheesy, but I think we all get in the mood
for a little Irish butt-rock, every now and then.
I like Nashville Pussy, too.
Hey! You guys are hiring?
You a hip-hop head?
What?
Gerry's our hip-hop guy. He's moving back to Phoenix.
But you can't spell McKenzie without the MC.
That's my last name, McKenzie. MC, get it? Hip-hop?
Can I get an application?
Sure.
- Thanks. - You're welcome.
Dude, I scored!
I got an application to be her hip-hop expert.
Dude, don't be desperate. You don't know anything about hip-hop.
I know, but how hard could it be? It's rap.
Now the little guy wants a job.
Where can I find her?
Yeah.
Dude, maybe I gotta stop dating white girls.
That'd rule out Miss Molly May-I-Have-Some.
Hey, you check out the Internet site I told you about?
Dude, that's for desperate people.
Yeah.
Hey, I've got a job, an apartment, no kids and I've never been to jail.
Uh-huh.
I'll have them lined up like JET centerfolds.
You know the magazine? Dude, you're so not getting this job.
Who's first?
- Tam. Tamiko. Tamiko. - She's flexible.
Single black female from Santa Monica.
She's cute. Poor girl, may the force be with her.
Store's closing.
Is this together?
I'll just finish reading it some other time.
Yeah, me, too. Thank you.
So, do you like extreme sports?
- Well, Tamiko. Tamiko. - Tamiko.
Tamiko. Tamiko. I once did a rolling stop with the LAPD right behind me.
No. I'm talking about skydiving, bungee jumping, that kind of stuff.
- What, you're serious? - Yeah, I'm serious, dude.
Well, then, no. Isn't being black extreme enough?
Actually, I'm a model, actress and singer.
Get the heck out of here. You are not a model and actress and singer.
I am.
Dude, there are like two of those in the whole entire world.
But I guess you're in the right place for it.
Hey, let's see if we can get one of your colleagues to bring us some more rolls.
Dude, I was kidding. That's a joke. Come on.
Hi. I'm Nadeen, sorry I'm late.
It's okay.
So basically, you draw cartoons?
- Graphic novels. - Comic books.
Graphic novels.
- Graphic novels. - Okay.
I consider myself an astronaut/senator/philosopher king.
I bet if I look real hard,
there's an adrenaline junkie buried somewhere beneath.
- There isn't. - Okay.
So you're having a good time, right?
You know, I am.
Look, Jay, you're funny, but...
- But what? - What kind of car do you drive?
Actually, I don't have a car.
Carless in Los Angeles?
Come on, I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that. Don't listen to me.
No, no. You're right. You're right.
I don't know if you're mature enough for anything beyond us just being friends.
- What? Really? - I've gotta think about my kids.
Dude, I told you that wasn't going to be a problem. Do they have a PlayStation?
I'll be right back.
Frick!
Nerd up, Jay!
- Hey, hey! What's up, dude? - What's the good word, Jay?
Dude, dude. Easy. Easy. Just over this project. Dude!
Hey, I heard on Monday, we start Hammerhead.
Yeah, boy!
I'm thinking about starting my own project with all black superheroes.
- You should totally do a video game. - Yeah, dude, kids don't read anymore.
Hey, speaking of which, how is Operation Brown Sugar going?
Dude!
- What? I had to tell somebody. - Come on, we got bets, all right?
It's a nightmare, did you share that, too?
I really don't see black chicks digging this guy.
- Neither do I. - Dude!
- I don't. - Hey, got an idea.
- Idea? - Got an idea.
You know how I have that smoking hot girlfriend?
Well, her sister just moved to town. I could set you up.
- I mean, she's Asian. - Me rikey.
I don't know if that's against the rules or whatever.
No. No.
- I'll get you her number. - Really? Do it.
- Holla! We want prenup. - Do it!
- Stay proud. - Get out.
Stay proud!
So, Operation Brown Sugar, huh?
Yeah, Billy let the cat out of the bag.
No, I think you have a point. I think this country is so repressed.
Nobody is comfortable talking about sex or race in a frank manner.
I remember this one time,
I brought this white guy that I was seeing in college
home to meet my folks.
So we get to my house, we walk through the door,
and before I can even introduce him to my parents,
he takes off his shoes and starts bowing.
And then he gets all embarrassed. And somehow it's my fault?
My fault for not warning him that I wasn't a stereotype?
God, I hate white people.
Me, too.
That's a joke.
I get it. No, you're totally right.
People fetishize each other all the time.
Everyone wants to be seen as a sexual being.
Pet peeve, sexual stereotypes.
Like all black men are supposed to be these wild, virile stallions.
It's so not true.
No?
Well, I mean, it can be.
It is, most of the time. But not always. You know. But it is.
I don't understand it, I never heard from her again.
I really thought we had something.
Man, it serves you right.
The way you treat half those women you date.
- Whatever. They come after me. - Yeah, right.
You think J.C. has any friends she could set me up with?
J.C. is so on edge about my family cutting up at the wedding.
Promised her everything's going to be okay, but I can't guarantee that.
What up, cuz? Yeah, guess who this is.
All right, man, for sure.
It's Pooh Bear, nigga! Yeah. Hey!
We over here getting high! Now, nigga, guess who I'm with.
- Tell him my name. Tell him my name! - Quit, nigga!
Okay, we over here with Q-Ball.
There you go! Nigga get to Cali, he just wanna act like he gangsta and shit.
We like Cooley High in this motherfucker!
Hey, listen.
We gonna come to the wedding
and turn it out! And we gonna turn that mother, boy.
You're dead. J.C.'s gonna kill you.
Come on, J.C., you were in a sorority,
you've got to have somebody you can set me up with.
What harm could it possibly do? Hey, buddy.
Come on. All right, at least tell me why not.
Well, let's see. You are immature. You have issues with commitment.
You have a silly job, silly friends. You're cheap.
And your comprehension of romance is a joke!
Why would I put any of my friends through that?
- J.C.! - 'Cause I'm a nice guy.
Catherine, you're early.
Really? I totally got lost.
- Wow, nice shirt. - Thanks.
Jay, this is Catherine Williamson, a client of mine.
A writer, eh?
Yes, and she's doing a book signing tomorrow,
and we're trying to convince her to do a reading tour.
What's your book called?
The Inevitable Was Bound To Happen.
The New York Times said it can single-handedly usher black fiction
back into the new century.
- Sorry, I haven't read it. - That's right. No pictures.
Jay likes comic books.
- Graphic novels. - Whatever.
- I'm sure it's good, though. - It is. Okay, that's enough.
- We're gonna go now. - Okay.
Catherine, it was really nice meeting you.
I'm gonna read your book as soon as I get a chance.
- Okay, goodie. - All right.
All righty, then, here you go.
And I'm sorry about that.
No problem.
Oh, my goodness, I'm sorry. I have to take this. Okay, just...
J.C. Evans.
Catherine and I really shared something back there, don't you think?
What do you want?
Come on, I just need you to get me her number.
I'll be on my best behavior, I promise.
Tough. Goodbye.
Frick.
She's cute.
You really ready to be hip-hop McKenzie eight hours a day?
Nope, but I really dig Molly, right? So I gotta do it.
I wish you luck. Sure you don't want to come?
What with you? Stalk the writer chick? No.
I have more hip-hop immersing to do.
You gots more hip-hop immersing to do.
Right, "gots."
Catherine? Hey! The guy from the other day.
What do you want? What are you doing here?
Aren't you supposed to be signing books?
Yeah, I don't know.
Actually, they already started,
so I figure, I don't know, there's no reason for me to be here.
They know I'm not coming now,
- so it's just easier... - Will you sign mine, then?
You know, I really just feel like I should go
- or leave, or whatever. - You could put your phone number
right here and I could ask you out sometime.
Yeah, I'm so sorry. I'm so wretchedly bad with names.
- Jay. - Jay. Right, okay, Jay. Jay.
Okay, so, Jay, you don't know, like, anything else about me.
So we go out, have a couple of drinks, and I get to learn a thing or two about you.
Okay. Well, I don't know anything about you, so...
That's okay. I'll talk plenty about myself, don't worry. Come on, it'll be fun.
Okay.
Okay, so, who's the Prime Minister of Canada?
- I don't know. - I do.
So?
So, this is some kind of test. Okay, okay.
Dude, I don't know.
Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian, Brian...
Brian Mulroney.
Yeah, actually, he left office, like, a decade ago.
But he was, at one point, Prime Minister of Canada, right?
Come on. That's gotta count for something.
Yeah, Mulroney is incorrect, but the last guy that I asked that to
thought the answer was Dudley Do-Right.
So actually, we can sort of keep that in mind and count that as a point for you.
- I'll see you later. - Wait, what are...
- Dude, who's the Prime Minister of Canada? - I don't know, bro.
Sorry.
Jean Chrétien.
Very good. Okay, so who let you in on that little piece of common knowledge.
Information.
Okay. Clever.
Vegetable oil. That's very efficient of you.
Come on, Eracism?
The only thing I hate worse than racism itself are these Eracism bumper stickers.
You know, I never pictured you for a pithy one-word answer kind of girl.
But the ride's nice. It's kind of cute.
Well, I'm glad you like it. Night.
You know, that's good. Because I never pictured myself
going out with a bumper sticker kind of girl.
- There's hope for us yet. - Sure there is.
Come on. One drink. One itty-bitty drink, I beg of you.
Okay, so let's hear it.
- Hear what? - Begging?
What? Really?
Okay, I'll play.
Mars Blackmon begging or James Brown begging?
Wow, a student of the genre. Okay, let's go Blackmon,
because I don't really know you well enough for James Brown.
Please, baby, please, baby. Baby, baby, please.
- Okay, not bad. - Thank you.
So, how well do you know Inglewood?
- Not at all. - So you better follow close.
Actually, I don't have a car.
Wow, carless in Los Angeles.
You're a total catch. Get in.
Well, I really could never get by without my car.
I pretty much live out of it. I mean, like, I'm constantly at the beach,
even though I live in the Valley with my family, here and there.
And I also was born in Canada,
which pretty much explains my Prime Minister fascination.
Canada? Does that make you African-Canadian?
I didn't know we were up in Canada.
Where did you think all those runaway slaves were going?
And actually, I'm Halfrican-Canadian,
'cause my mother's white and my dad is black.
And so we pretty much would go between Canada and Los Angeles.
I didn't know black girls grew blue hair.
Well, I didn't know you could smoke a cigarette through a straw.
It's not a straw. It's artistic flair.
Okay. Yeah, my therapist said that my artistic flair
was covering up all my real emotions.
- Therapist, huh? - Oh, yeah. For like a million years now.
Is that the radio?
No, it's actually a mix tape. My last boyfriend made it for me.
Huh.
Okay.
- Thanks, Tim. - Anytime, Cat.
Please, I am making an obscene amount of money.
So I just feel guilty if I don't share.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
I never really got into the idea of therapy.
The way I see it black people go to church, not therapy.
So it's church for you?
Actually, I don't do either.
Well, you should give therapy a shot.
I find I'm only really motivated by fear and shame, anyhow.
Lose that, I'm inside all day eating nachos, playing PlayStation.
I'll just leave it at that.
Okay, you should totally give therapy a shot.
Nice shirt.
Is it vintage?
No, actually. I made it.
- No, you didn't. - I did, too.
Here look, no tags.
You could have ripped them off, for all I know.
- What kind of sewing machine did you use? - Okay, I used the kind with a needle.
It's good.
I need to excuse myself for a second.
Okay.
I'll be right back.
You say "like" a lot.
I know.
Just making sure.
She's quirky.
And if she's this quirky upon first meeting her,
who knows what kind of crazy lies beneath?
Still, despite the rambling,
and the "likes,"
and the fact that her book has the worst title in publishing history,
I'm still having a good time.
Like, a really good time.
Hey, thanks for listening, man.
I don't work here, fool.
He doesn't work here.
Gotta remember to read her book. Yeah.
You'll blow it if you don't read her book, Jay.
Oh, shit.
- Get on out there, brother. - I don't dance.
I do the cabbage patch and the white boy shuffle. That's it.
Made for a very traumatic childhood.
I haven't danced since.
Damn fool.
I don't know. Then I was in high school,
and we did this thing where we did, like, this mock election, right,
between, like, Reagan and Mondale to kind of see, like, who would win.
And we did this mock election, and the votes came back, and I shit you not,
no lie, the entire school voted for Reagan, except for me.
I couldn't believe it, you know?
That's one more vote than Mondale got from almost every other state.
I know. Actually, I wrote in Jesse Jackson.
Jesse. I think I like you.
Duh. You've only been stalking me.
You know what, though? I've had worse times.
That's quite an endorsement.
Yeah. I was trying not to, though.
My therapist says I'm this compulsive planner.
But anyway, I just, I live up in the Hills, so, like, if you're gonna come over,
then, maybe we should just, make a plan beforehand...
If I'm gonna come over?
Well, or not...
No. I mean, yeah. Yeah, I'd like to come over.
- I'd love to. - Okay. Okay, yeah.
I'm not, like, a slut or anything, just in case that's what you're thinking.
- Not at all. Not at all. - Okay. Good.
It's done.
I'll get us a new bottle.
You know, I really can't believe that you read my book so fast.
Well, actually, I...
That was decent.
The first one's usually not, but that was really decent.
My therapist, his name is Fred. He says that, really, the first kiss doesn't matter.
But to me it does matter. It matters a lot, because it's the very first time you've ever...
And if you don't connect with someone in a real way on that very first kiss, then...
Actually, when I was little, my mom, she used to let me light her cigarettes.
So much love there.
Hmm.
You may be as screwed up as I am.
Psst.
Huh...
Hey, Catherine. Catherine. Hey!
I didn't want to wake you, but I have to get to work.
Okay.
I've got time for breakfast, if you wanna grab something, we could...
No, don't worry about it. It's fine, just... I'm just not a morning person.
Okay, then. I'll call you later, then, okay?
Hey, I'll call you later, okay?
Just do that.
Okay.
Dude, she didn't even bother to get out of bed.
It's another Candace all over again. Another one-night stand.
I should've danced with her.
That's what I should've done.
Dude, what the heck does that have to do with anything?
Dude, she didn't respect me because I didn't dance with her.
What if I was bad in bed? Oh, God. That's it.
The dick wasn't any good. So now, I'm a shitty dancer and a lousy lay?
What kind of black man am I?
J.C.'s gonna tear you a new one when she finds out.
Okay? And I'm not about to step into the blast zone to stop her this time.
I don't care. I think this girl is different.
Hell, yeah, she's different.
I met her once with J.C. GirI's damn weird, if you ask me.
Man, you know what I mean.
Hold on. Hello?
Okay, so I totally have notes on last evening.
I hope you don't think that's weird.
What?
I was just writing down my impressions of last evening
in my journal, which I totally do, like, every single morning.
And so I just thought I'd share.
It rhymes.
God! I'm such a zombie in the morning without my coffee and cigarette.
Anyway, okay, it's called, "The Guy from Yesterday,"
and there are internal rhymes for both Mulroney and Chrétien,
so listen closely.
I used to think people would stare if I was the only black guy
who went with the only black girl.
You know, like we'd be even weirder together, or something.
You're so thoroughly paranoid.
- You think? - No, I know.
- Okay, so what's that guy's story? - UCLA, obviously.
- Totally! - Has done a keg stand,
has all Dave Matthews' records, has never heard of Angela Davis.
Oh, my God.
Okay, so that was totally wrong, right there.
Okay, okay, right there. What's his story?
Dude, come on, that's way too easy.
Oh, my God. Okay, so, you know what? You can't judge a book by its cover.
Wow. Clearly.
Okay, okay. Right there.
Dude. Okay, I give up.
So, so what about me?
You? I know you.
Okay, so pretend you don't.
Okay!
Brr!
- Okay, then. - Yeah.
You have never celebrated Kwanza, at least not like we black folk are supposed to.
You have voted Green.
- Oh, yeah. - Okay.
You have never bailed on a friend.
You're wrong, actually. I totally bailed on J.C.
She wanted me to do this book tour to promote the novel, and I just bailed on her.
Because, it's impossible to be taken seriously as a writer
when you talk like a total Valley girl.
- What? - No, but when I get, like, nervous or excited,
that's exactly how I sound.
Listen, if you're going to let the world tell you who you are, what you are,
you ruin one of the most beautiful things about yourself.
Okay, how about this.
I will read out loud, the day that you and I go out dancing.
Well, then, no rush.
Okay, no rush. Perfect.
I mean, I actually like dancing.
I just will never do it in the presence of any organism
even remotely resembling a human being.
Exactly. Ditto on the reading for me.
- Hey, let's motor. - Okay.
I'm sure there's something so massively wrong with her.
Jay, you say that about every girl you date.
Okay, for starters, she pays for everything,
which in and of itself, isn't that bad, but frick, man, nobody's that perfect.
It's the little things, dude. I'm telling you, they're clues, Matt.
Why? What, does she, like, wear her watch on the wrong wrist or something?
No watch.
Okay. Does she get food in her teeth when she's eating?
Chews with her mouth closed.
- Well, does she bum your cigarettes? - Yes!
But she's real weird about it.
Like, first she gives away all of hers to every single freak who asks her,
and then she starts bumming mine.
- Did you tell her? - Well, I was gonna end it.
But, you know, just write her a note. But then she bought some more smokes.
- And? - And that's another thing.
We both smoke the same brand. How do we know whose pack is whose?
Jay, she sounds fantastic.
- Yeah, I guess. - Okay.
- Matt? - Molly. Hey, what's up?
Hey, you ready for the interview?
Hells, yeah! I got my Source. It's like the hip-hop Bible.
Why don't you just go back to the office, and I'll send Sigmund in a second?
Okay. I'll be right there. Word.
Hello? "This is my friend, Jay"?
Right? Right? Wish me luck!
Mind what you have learned, young warrior. Get you laid, it can.
All right.
- We'll start off with a few basic questions. - Cool.
If you're not prepared, please say so now. Don't waste my time.
- Okay. - Who produced the Wild Style soundtrack?
Blondie's Chris Stein, yo!
What's the third song on Public Enemy's Yo! Bum Rush the Show?
Miuzi Weighs a Ton.
Give me four of Ol' Dirty Bastard's aliases.
ODB, Osirus, Big Baby Jesus and Russell Jones.
What's his birthday?
November 11. No, 15th. November 15th. For sure.
- Is that it? - Hardly.
- Hey, Matt. Congratulations! - Thanks!
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Evans, for having us all over today.
Well, it's so nice to have our home graced with such an illustrious cast of characters.
A lawyer, pro football player, best-selling author, and...
Anyway, it's nice to have you.
So, what team do you play for, Michael?
- The Chargers. - Chargers.
You know, when I was a girl, I was courted by a football player.
Course, he was light-skinded, like myself.
Sam! Don't pile that food on your plate like that.
You're going to get the itis, and I don't mean Arthur.
Look, woman, this is my stomach. Let me eat what I want to eat.
Excuse me. What is this "itis"?
You know, the itis. Sam gets it bad, too, girl.
Eat a lot, sleep a lot. You know, Negritis.
Look at you. Why you got to come all the way up here and act so country?
Look, the food is free. You're supposed to eat it.
"The food is free," see that's your attitude. That is your attitude.
- Darling, listen, hey... - You better not fall asleep, either.
I got plans for you.
We're going to Mazatlán at the end of the year for Christmas,
if his team doesn't make the playoffs.
That sounds so romantic.
- What, Jay? - Nothing.
It's just that the popular idea of what's romantic
seems to be tied directly to money. It's sad.
Sweetie, I don't get it. What is he saying?
MichaeI, what do you think about the current overtime format, man?
No, Drake, I really want to hear this. Jay?
Well, I mean, what's so unique about going on a cruise or buying a necklace?
There are whole industries
predicated on projecting a commercial standard of romance.
It's as commercial as Christmas.
"Diamonds are a girl's best friend"?
Diamonds are mined by people in Africa who are practically slaves.
I'm too principled to buy diamonds.
- And too cheap. - Oh, yeah! Much, much too cheap.
That's true.
- It's not as good as Mama's, is it? - Hmm.
Maybe we can take some home.
And I finally chose the caterer.
It's the same one that Sue used for her wedding in '98.
- Honey, you're going to love them. - Yes, Mama.
They've got this foie gras to die for.
Oh, dear!
What you don't want is for folks to get food poisoning.
Remember Rhonda?
Oh, yeah. But, Mama, I think that was her nerves.
Threw up all down her dress.
No, but Uncle Willy, now that was horrible. Tell them.
Heart attack, walking his daughter down the aisle.
Dropped dead right there. Bam!
Oh, my...
And Maggie. Didn't she get assassinated at her wedding?
- Assassinated? - Yes.
On Falcon Crest.
Guess what happened to my sister's wedding.
- What? - It got rained out.
- So, Jessie... - J.C.
Aha.
You fixing to wear white?
Of course.
Oh, honey, I know it's going to be a beautiful wedding.
- Oh, just beautiful! Give me one wing.
You're just going to throw it away, anyway.
Yes. It will be beautiful.
Give me one wing!
Sam!
So, Michael, how's the team?
Well, football's a tricky sport, as you know.
But I feel good about where we are as a team.
I mean, we've got a strong nucleus returning, you know.
I mean, provided we protect the football, stay penalty-free,
I think we'll be in every game.
Jay, so, you and Catherine make kind of an odd couple,
with her being such a catch and all. I mean, no offense.
None taken.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I'd snatch her up real quick.
You know what I'm saying?
I'll see what I can do.
Excuse me, I need to get some air.
- But we're outside. - Yeah, well.
I'll join you.
Like I said, it's about getting me the football on time, you know?
My statistics, they speak for themselves.
It's like, if you want to win a football game, who do you give the ball to? You know?
Sorry about James. In-laws.
Don't worry about it.
But he's got a point, though.
Huh?
Jay, Catherine's quite a girl.
She's smart, she's beautiful, willing to put up with your quirks.
- And the girl can write. - Can she?
You know she can.
Actually, I haven't gotten around to reading her book yet.
What? Are you serious?
Look, I didn't want to read it and hate it and have everything fall apart.
It's just as well. Things aren't so peachy, anyway.
Could have fooled me. You seem great together.
Whoopsie.
Look, man, I don't know if I'm ready for the end of my natural born bachelor life.
All this was so sudden.
You're an idiot.
No, man, I'm telling you, my spidey sense is telling me
I'm doing the right thing.
No, your spidey sense is what got you where you are now.
I know myself too well.
Look, I'll read the book, overthink the whole thing.
I don't want the breakup to be about me not liking her book.
You know, just let the pieces fall where they may. See?
No, but do you see it?
Because what I see is the fact that J.C. said something nice about you
for the first time in four years.
You know why? Because of Catherine.
Jay, you fuck this up, we're back to square one.
You know what that is? That's you trolling the Internet for black singles,
and me trying to sneak out of the house so we can hang.
- I got a handle on it. - You better.
I just got tired of drawing the same old characters.
- Done. What do you think? - Let's see.
Wow! Oh, I love her. She's cute! Yay! Thank you.
What's this thing?
When I first started art school,
we had an assignment to draw something from our lives.
And I started chronicling my dating woes and just never stopped.
- Okay, wait, so that means it's a journal. - Something like...
Like. Easy, easy, easy.
Double point.
I still like you, but no.
- But no. - Okay, fine.
So, when do I get to introduce you to the ocean?
- Black men don't swim. - What?
It's right up there with camping.
Okay, so this means you can dance now. And that you like to play basketball.
Okay, point taken. How about this? It's just not superhero enough.
No. See, that doesn't work.
Because, you know, the best superheroes? They totally work undercover.
They do whatever it takes to save your life.
- Did you say undercover? - I did.
- You said undercover. - Undercover.
- Let's get undercover. - Undercover.
- Hey, Molly! - Hey!
I had a question about some of the inventory.
That's more Sigmund's department.
Yeah, I just didn't want to bother him, since I'm new.
What are you reading?
This new book by this woman, Catherine Williamson.
- Really. - Yeah, it's good.
- It's very feminine, funny. It's different. - I know her.
- No way. - Seriously. She's dating my best friend.
Oh, my God! She's getting to be really famous, you know.
Really? She's really cool, humble.
You know what? You should get her to do a reading here.
I mean we do in-stores all the time, but rarely for authors. It'd be huge.
She might be kind of busy.
Oh, come on. I'm sure she's doing stuff at all the commercial bookstores.
- Think of how cool it'd be. - I could ask her.
- Yeah? You're amazing. - Right on.
- I'm gonna go tell Sigmund. - Okay.
No! The most I could possibly do would be, like, maybe a signing, but no readings.
Okay, it's just, I kind of promised a reading.
Then you're, like, kind of out of luck.
Think how punk rock it'll be. Yeah?
Dude, help me out.
Cath, why don't you think about... Babe, get the plasma rifle.
- Grab the plasma rifle, babe. - I can't.
No, just stand over it and press X. Dude!
- It's not that. I told you, I can't do readings. - Why?
She thinks people will think she sounds like a Valley girl.
- That's why you won't read? - Yeah!
I can totally see the review of books for The New York Times. Yeah.
"Williamson, like, totally overrated."
Can I share something with you? Okay.
For me, recently, stepping outside of my comfort zone
has been one of the most interesting and growth-oriented experiences of my life.
Word.
Babe, look. Who cares what they think?
All right? Fuck The New York Times review of whatever.
- Fuck them. Fuck whoever. - Yeah, "Fuck tha police!"
- Babe, you like the book, right? - Of course.
That's all that matters.
Just open up your mouth and let the book speak for itself.
I believe in you.
Oh!
Okay, then. I'll do it.
Yes! Yeah.
Only if you promise you'll come out dancing with Jay and me after the reading.
You're on. You got it, definitely. Thank you. Thank you.
Babe, I should totally put in at least one more hour today before we grab lunch.
One more hour, I promise.
Books don't write themselves. So, I'm gonna be in the car.
- I'm coming. - Okay.
Okay. Totally out of line.
Dude, I had to ask her. Molly made me.
Matt, you told her we'd go dancing!
Dude, she told me! I had to say yes, my ass is on the line with Molly.
Your ass? If she bombs up there,
she's going to blame me for talking her into getting into it in the first place!
She's only been seeing a head shrinker for that exact problem for, like,
the last million years!
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
You shouldn't have convinced her, then.
Uncool, Matt.
- Kidding. - This totally screws me.
I'm totally kidding. Yo, why you tripping, man?
So, come here for a sec.
A friend of mine was going to scrap this for parts,
but I convinced him to give it to me for you.
Cath, you can't buy me a car!
In fact, I don't need you to buy me anything else!
I actually like my life exactly the way it is.
Jay, it's not like I don't get anything out of the deal.
I mean, do you think I like shuttling you back and forth all the time?
God, you're really something else.
Actually, I have a ton of work I should be doing right now.
So, wait, you're not gonna come in?
- I really shouldn't. - I think you should. Okay?
Okay.
Okay, so, one more surprise.
Last one of the day, I swear. Okay?
What's this?
I got J.C. to set up a meeting with you,
with some folks for publishing your graphic novel.
Okay, don't say anything, please. I'm just merely helping out. You know.
I really think you could take it to the next level, is all.
I'm going to go, and I'm going to work,
and then we'll grab lunch in, like, an hour, okay?
Yeah, no sweat.
What are you doing here?
Jay?
Oh, yes! I got the rifle, bro. Level seven!
Where's Catherine?
Jay, where's Catherine?
Jay? What's up, man?
Oh, no, you didn't leave her a letter, did you?
Are you kidding me?
Dude, I'm literally doing backflips trying to make some time with Molly,
and you call it quits with an amazing girl?
Yo, asshole! Hello, look, Jay...
All I'm saying is it was a gift for you to meet her, okay?
With all the bullshit you put women through, you know?
If she's not the one, man, I don't know who is.
Shit!
- Boo! - Hey! Don't do that.
Sorry. Where'd you go?
I went out to get you a plant and forgot to leave myself a way to get back in.
Wow, sweet. From my garden?
Hey, uh...
Why don't you go back in the kitchen, get yourself a drink,
make yourself more comfortable?
You're so weird.
All right. Hold that thought. Hold that thought, I'll be right back. Okay?
All right.
Oh, no, Jay.
No, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay, Jay.
Okay, okay, okay.
- I can explain. - Okay.
Wait. Well, give me a second. I wasn't really ready for that.
- Were you just going to leave? - No. Well, yes, I was.
But, but, I didn't.
- You did. - Yes, but I came back.
Look, okay, everything was going so great with you and I
that I panicked. All right?
But that was the old me.
The old me was always looking for conspiracies.
I still don't know why you spend money on me.
I have no idea.
The old me was afraid of commitment.
Okay, check this out, the old me was so worried that he wouldn't like your book,
thus ruining the relationship forever, that he never even bothered to read it.
The old me was insensitive and insecure and...
Wait, did you really not read my book?
Well, no, no, no. The old me never read your book.
The new me is going to get to it as soon as he can.
So you never read my book?
Technically, no.
You know, I just agreed to read out loud
in front of a whole crapload of people I've never met,
and the guy who's most responsible for getting me in this mess
hasn't read my book.
What happened to facing your fears?
I know. I know, it doesn't make any sense,
but if you think about it, like,
in a glass-is-half-empty kind of way, I was doing it for us.
Wow. I feel so fricking retarded.
J.C. warned me about this.
- Operation Brown Sugar. - No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Cath, come on. Come on, no!
Look, I thought it was about race, all right? But I was wrong.
Okay? I thought that all the white girls were crazy and so I set out to...
I thought...
I thought all...
I thought all the white girls were crazy,
so I set out to find the right black woman for me,
but they were all wrong, too.
So, I'm like a happy medium or something, right?
No, no, no. Look, I know that this sounds bad.
Yeah, it does.
God! I just feel, like, you know what? I need some time to think.
Okay. Okay, good.
Good, hey, you take some time. Think away.
I'm going to be right over here, reading your book.
- Right? - Okay, no, actually, no.
I need some time alone.
Okay. That's cool, too.
No pressure.
So we'll talk, like, tomorrow or whatever?
Bye, Jay.
I know we can make this work, Cath.
I know we can.
Hey, Cath, it's me.
I know I was supposed to wait for your call, but it's been over a week, so
I wanted to call back and say hi. So, hi!
Hey, I finished the book. It's great! I have some notes on it.
That was a joke.
Because you remember when we first went out,
you called me back with notes on our date?
That was funny.
Well...
Please, baby, please, baby. Baby, baby, please, give me a call, okay?
That's another joke.
So call me.
Thanks for coming to our humble establishment.
Tonight, it is my pleasure to present
the first of what I hope will be many appearances here, Catherine Williamson.
Wow, it's totally insane to think that a bunch of you have actually read my book.
The Inevitable Was Bound To Happen, by Catherine Williamson.
"The inevitable, being inevitable, was bound to happen...
"So, as it happens, does fate."
Yo, player. Not so good.
She wouldn't even take it from me. Sorry.
"It was the sort of kind of time, where the weather didn't match the season.
"And the hearts of the people didn't match their minds.
"Gunnar was alone."
Frick.
So, are you going to apologize for walking out on me
for no fricking reason?
I've been over it, again and again.
I just want to know why.
You left when I said you look like Gary Coleman.
- Well, I don't! - It was a joke.
You should know better than to go around
telling black people they look like famous black people.
We're very sensitive about that!
I didn't tell black people. I told you.
The guy I'd been fucking for five and a half months.
Look, I'm not very good with confrontation, Beth.
You know that.
It was just easier to blow you off.
I was stupid...
I was stupid about it, and I'm sorry.
Hey! So, I heard Sigmund promoted you from the stockroom to the used section.
Yeah.
Well, we'll be able to see each other more often, then.
- Cool. - Cool.
All right, good night.
Hey, what are you doing this weekend?
Nothing. I mean, I've got things, but nothing.
Well, there's this band playing in Silver Lake,
and my boyfriend and I are going, and there's this girl, Diane,
who I think would be totally up your alley.
I mean, she's completely into hip-hop, just like you.
It'll be great. I'll call you.
Okay. That'll be dope.
- Did you forget to hire the damn strippers? - Don't tell the guys.
They're going to figure it out.
Gentlemen, let's say we kick things off at the Seventh Veil.
All right?
- Thanks. - So did you call her?
Many times.
But you know J.C. invited her to the wedding tomorrow, too.
So?
I'm over her, anyway.
And this from a guy who hasn't left his house in four weeks?
Now, Jay, you know what I'm saying.
It's not about color or class or any of that shit, man.
And you know it. You're just afraid to commit.
Now, if you want to continue being in this situation forever, be my guest.
But I'm pulling for you to find somebody that you love so much,
you can't even help it.
Are y'all coming or what?
I know a bomb Puerto Rican named Candy Cane.
All right, man, we'll be there in a minute.
Hey! Who likes white meat? Come on, man.
Your family.
Come on, man.
Yeah, man, never better. - Not after last night.
What was her name, Cinnamon?
- I don't know. Speak no evil. - Spice?
I was a good boy.
Come on, quit it!
Oh, yeah. Our time to meddle.
- Jay! - What's up Q-Tip?
Looking spifferifous.
- Hey, bro! - What's up, baby?
- Congratulations, man. - Thanks, Matty.
Oh, hell, no!
Don't look. You don't want to see this.
Listen up, Negroes.
I don't know how you people get married in the projects, but here, it's a solemn event.
Actually, you do want to see this.
And if you think you all take your ghetto asses one foot inside that church
while you're drunk, you got another thing coming.
Uh-huh.
- It's pop, J.C. - Yeah.
That's soda?
- Well, it was in a bag. - That's soda?
Isn't it an open bar, anyway?
- Yes, it's going to be an open bar. - Word.
Well, then, y'all just carry on, then. I'm sorry.
- We didn't know. - Anyway...
- Oh, my God! There's Drake! - Drake! Don't look at me!
- I don't want him to see me, girl! - Drake, dawg! Man, your girl is ghetto!
- I mean pickles and Tootsie Pops, dawg! - Right.
What the heck is her problem, anyway?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
May I have your attention.
A father usually goes through a lot of emotions when
his only daughter brings home
the man that she's going to spend the rest of her life with.
But I'm on these antidepressants now, so
I'm pretty even-keeled, no matter the situation.
But still, I think that it's mostly joy that I'm feeling about
Drake becoming a member of my family.
So let us toast
to the joining of the Moores and the Evans,
a match made in...
We'll just have to see, won't we?
A word from the best man.
Thank you, Mr. Evans.
I've known Drake since we were both dressing up
like Lando Calrissian for Halloween.
As a matter of fact, I'm the one who got him into sci-fi,
a childhood hobby I'm sure he won't fess up to now.
Shh.
It's not as easy as it used to be
to tell when you're making a difference in someone's life,
but believe me, it can be done.
You've been great for him.
It's a rare day when you meet someone special to you.
Drake and J.C. inspired me when they dared to love each other.
I only hope I can one day have what they have.
Anyway.
- To Drake and J.C. - Thank you.
Is that a smile? Big smile? You work on the smile, okay?
Hello.
- Hi! - What's up?
That's my jam!
Would you care to experience the Caucasian sensation?
- All right. Let's go. - Cool.
- So you gonna dance? - I don't dance.
Well, if you're not dancing 'cause of that girl, it's your own fault.
You and her had something. I could tell.
You just can't let something like that get away from you.
When I was a girl, I was seeing this boy...
Let me guess. Everything was really great.
You two had something, but it didn't work out
on account of you passing for white.
I know how black I am!
I just say all that nonsense and act the fool to mess with y'all.
Now, don't interrupt me.
I was seeing this boy.
He got shipped off to Korea just when we were getting close.
Well, when he come back, I was already married to Drake's grandfather,
God rest his soul.
Even though I love that man,
I couldn't help but wonder, still,
what would have been.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
You're young enough where you can get to my age
without having any regrets, if you play your cards right.
Now get on out there and dance, boy.
I'm old and I want to see you make a fool of yourself before I
die.
Hello, sugar? Get on, now!
- How you doing? - I'm all right, how are you?
I'm doing fair to middling.
You want to get out there and let me show you a few moves,
let me see a couple of yours?
- Come on. - All right, now.
Sorry, Drake and J.C.,
but you'll understand later.
Please, please, please, please
Please me
You don't have to go
Baby, please, baby, please, please me
You don't have to go
You know you broke my heart
when you went away
Okay, you are so totally out of your mind.
Hey, you knew that from day one.
Look, I've been trying to talk to you all day long.
Okay, so, what? This is, like, your way of getting my attention, right?
- Hey, nobody begs like the Godfather. - I beg to differ.
- So, who's the goon? - Oh, God!
All right, all right. I know it's inappropriate.
So, what, are you two an item or something?
No, don't even tell me. I don't want to know.
So... Here.
So, hey, how've you been?
Good. Busy, but really good.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You're famous, you know.
I know. It's a phase. It'll just pass.
Cath, why haven't you called me?
I don't know. I just... I was mad at first, okay?
Then, I guess, I went out of town, and finally, I don't know,
it just was easier not to call.
Well, would you take me back if I told you I was seeking professional help?
You're in therapy?
Well, no, unless it would help, and then, well,
- still no. - Okay.
Look, I just don't think we had a good breakup.
I know, I know, coming from me that's like...
That's like karma to the nth degree.
But still, there was no real closure.
Hey, hey, hey! Did you miss me?
- Sorry, buddy. - Okay, I didn't not miss you, all right?
"I didn't not miss you"?
I don't even know what that means, but that alone is worth investigating.
What say we get out of here, go find somewhere we can talk, okay?
- We can go to the beach. I'll drive. - You'll drive?
Yeah, brother's got a ride now. Come on, Cath, let's go!
Dishes. Come on!
Okay, nope.
- No? - Yeah, no.
Jay, look, you really hurt me,
and while begging publicly was definitely a start,
it just can't be that simple, I'm sorry.
Look, it can be that simple if you want it to be that simple.
Catherine,
you don't wanna dance, do you?
Jay Brooks, are you asking me to dance?
Against my better judgment and holding absolutely no regard
for the safety of any of those guests, yes.
I gotta start somewhere, right?
Okay, yes, you do.
Run for cover if they play Y.M.C.A.
Hey.
I'm fine.
ripped and edited by rogard